


Sometimes You Wonder If This Fight Is Worthwhile

by Not From Stars (Shadowcat)



Category: Vampire Academy Series - Richelle Mead
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-20
Updated: 2013-12-20
Packaged: 2018-01-05 07:32:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1091258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowcat/pseuds/Not%20From%20Stars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Adrian will fight for Rose, but he's not sure if she'll fight for him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sometimes You Wonder If This Fight Is Worthwhile

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fiftyzillion](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiftyzillion/gifts).



> I had so much fun writing this and I only stopped because I figured that you would like to actually receive your fic at some point. You had so many good prompts that is was hard for me to only pick one and not write a multi-chaptered epic -- that would never have been done in time.
> 
> Happy Yule and I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.

When Rose returned from Siberia, she wasn’t in the best of shape. Adrian had picked her up at the airport and helped her into the back seat of the car before climbing in beside her. When he got in, the driver started off, and Adrian covered her up with one of the blankets he had brought for her. She didn’t look well at all and Adrian couldn’t recall the last time he had seen her look so… broken. He tried to poke at her in a joking way to get her to at least snap back at him – to show him that there was still some of her usual spirit there, but her responses were flat and half-hearted at best.

When they approached the school, Rose went even paler than she was and closed her eyes. “Please.”

It was just one word, but Adrian had no doubts as to what she was asking for. She didn’t want to go to the school or to the administration buildings and deal with all of that right now. She was in no shape to deal with the reality of what her world might be now that she had dropped out of school and run off on what everyone thought was a suicide mission.

“Lissa?” He questioned her softly and she shook her head. “All right, little Dhampir,” Adrian murmured is the best comforting voice he could manage as his own worry started to spike. “I’ll take you to my place and you can rest there.”

He gave new instructions to the driver and soon they were pulling up to the cottage that he was living at right off of the school grounds. He was close enough if he or anyone else needed anything, but far enough away to have his own precious privacy.

They didn’t speak as they left the car and Adrian looked at the driver, knowing he wouldn’t say anything about Rose being here to anyone but who he was in contact with.

“Let Him know that she arrived safely and that she’s staying with me for now. She’s in no mental shape to work out anything beyond this right now.”

The driver nodded and Adrian watched the car disappear into the distance before he turned and went inside his cottage. Rose was standing in the middle of the living room with the blanket still wrapped around her shoulders like she didn’t know what she was supposed to do next. That’s when Adrian knew without a doubt what had finally happened.

_Rose had killed Belikov._

Adrian closed his eyes for a moment to get himself centered and to keep his emotions from being too obvious. He hadn’t liked Belikov because he had been his competition for Rose, but he didn’t enjoy seeing the effects of his death on Rose.

“Adrian –“ 

Her voice was hoarse and Adrian moved to her side, wrapping her in his arms. He was just going to hold her and offer her comfort for as long as she needed him to or she tolerated.

“It’s done,” she said against his chest, causing Adrian to tighten his arms gently around her.

“You did what you had to do, Rose,” he said softly against her hair. “He was a proud Guardian and would not have wanted to be one of the Strigoi. He wouldn’t have enjoyed harming you.”

“So much happened and I want to tell you all of it.”

“Rest first, little Dhampir,” he said gently, even though he really wanted to know the full story of what had happened to her and what she had done. “There will be time enough for that.”

“I don’t even know what will happen. I don’t belong anywhere, now. I dropped out of school and took off which means that I won’t be allowed to be Lissa’s Guardian after she graduates.”

“You belong with the people who love you,” he corrected. “There’s room here and you can stay as long as you need to. As for the rest…” He shrugged. “We’ll figure it out as we need to. You’re not alone in this, Rose, I promise.”

“Is Lissa all right? Did we save her from Avery?”

Adrian nodded. “Yes. Thanks to you, she’s safe and Avery can never hurt her again.”

“Christian…”

“That’s for the two of them to work out, Rose. You can only do so much for other people and right now, you’re in no condition for any more battles of the mind or spirit.” He sighed. “What happened wasn’t completely her fault, but he was still hurt by it all.”

“I can talk to him, explain.”

“Not right now you can’t. You can barely stand up and you’re way too pale. You have the complexion of a Moroi right now and that’s not good.”

“It was a difficult trip,” she conceded.

“I can only imagine.” Adrian lifted her up in his arms and carried her into his bedroom. He laid her on his bed and sat down next to her. “You need rest so you can have the bed and I’ll take the couch in the other room. You’re safe here, Rose. No one will get in without your say so and you don’t have to worry about anything while I’m taking care of you.” Rose started to say something, but Adrian gently placed his hand over her mouth. “You spend almost all of your waking moments taking care of others – and sometimes even in your non-waking moments, that’s what you’re trying to do. Right now, you’re in no condition to take care of yourself, much less Lissa or anyone else.”

“It wasn’t –“

“You can’t lie to me, little Dhampir,” he said, shaking his head. “Your eyes tell the story of a journey to hell and back – only, I don’t know if you’ve made it back, yet.”

“I’m here,” she said stubbornly. 

“Your body is here. I don’t think your soul or spirit have caught up to your body, yet. I know that your heart hasn’t.”

“Careful Ivashkov,” Rose murmured. “You’re beginning to sound like someone who cares about what is going on around him.”

“I swept the room for bugs before I came to pick you up,” he teased gently. “No one but you know what I just said and I’ll deny it completely if you dare say anything.”

“No, I won’t,” she conceded. She had enough of her own secrets from being in Siberia that she would never want the wrong people to find out about. Hell, she was pretty sure that she didn’t want the people that cared about her to ever find out. “I owe you so much.”

“Well, I could be an ass and say that you owe me so much more than you can ever repay, but I’m feeling generous.”

He was relieved to see the tiniest hint of a smile on Rose’s face.

“I can still kick your ass, Ivashkov.”

This time Adrian did laugh at her. “Little Dhampir, you are in no condition to fight a bowl of Jell-O – though seeing you fight _in_ Jell-O would be quite the beautiful sight.” He ducked the pillow she tried to hit him with, making sure to hide his frown at how weak the blow had been. “And, on that note, I’m going to find you some food.”

“I’m not really all that hungry, Adrian.”

“Well, tough,” he said, getting to his feet. “You need to eat and I’m not going to be the one that Abe or your scary mother decides to kill because you starved to death while in my care.”

“Why would Abe care what happens now that I’m safely back at school and out of his hair?”

Adrian stared at her in wonder and then shook his head. “There are some things that I value too much to get ruined by telling stories on other people. I much prefer my face to stay as pretty as it is.”

Leaving Rose in the bed behind him, Adrian sauntered out of the bedroom. Once he was out of her sight, he leaned against the wall. She was in a bit more of a rough shape than Abe had warned him about. He expected some of it, but he could tell from her eyes that there was so much more that she was hiding deep within herself. However, it did give him some hope that he could help her because she hadn’t rejected his offer to take care of her. He didn’t know if it was because she wanted to be with him right now or because she just didn’t care where she was or who was around her. Whatever the reason, he would take it. He would take care of her as he promised to, and then when she was healed, they would have a talk. 

She had made a promise to him while she was gone, and he was going to remind her of it and make sure that it got fulfilled. He had time, though. He could wait.

 

*~*~*

The story of what happened came out of Rose slowly over the next few days as she started to heal physically. She was still paler than her friends would have liked her to be, but she was improving. Sometimes she spent her time leaning against Adrian as she spoke with him and Lissa. Other times, she would stretch out on the couch with her head in Lissa’s lap.

Today was one of these days and Lissa was moving her fingers through Rose’s hair soothingly as she talked. The more she talked about what had happened in Siberia, the more she seemed to begin to come back to life.

“Alberta spoke with me today,” Rose said softly. “She said that I could drop back into school and maybe they can work something out after graduation where I can be one of your Guardians, Liss. Maybe one of the alternates or something.”

“Alternate, hell,” Lissa said firmly. “You’re my Guardian and you always have been. You’ve always taken care of me and there is no one who would be as good at it as you are.”

“There are rules.”

“Since when have we made a career out of sticking to the rules, Rose? If I recall, there have been several different times where if we obeyed the rules we would have died or worse.” She drew her fingers through Rose’s dark hair again. “If whomever they give me isn’t you and doesn’t like you, well, they can be the Guardians of Christian or Adrian or someone.”

“Cousin, I do not need a Guardian.”

“I can’t think of anyone who needs a Guardian more than you do, Adrian,” Lissa said primly. “Besides, it would make Tatiana happy and maybe there wouldn’t be so much push back from some of the Royals over the changes we want to make.”

“You’ve become a mercenary little thing, Vasilisa.” 

“Sometimes you have to be,” Lissa said honestly. “You can only sit back and let others take all of the risks over you for so long. Rose promised me that the next time something dangerous comes at us, I would be right with her. No more her going into danger all alone.”

“What’s Christian got to say about that?”

“Lissa makes her own decisions,” Christian said as he came into the room. He leaned against the wall, looking at all three of them and then looked at Lissa. “But I think she has the right idea. We want so badly for Morois to work _with_ the dhampirs and not against them or trying to control them. We need to set a good example and show everyone why it’s a good idea for the Moroi to be able to fight for themselves and their friends like the dhampirs do. There our Guardians, yes, but some of them are also our friends.” He looked at Rose. “If we can’t fight on behalf of our friends, then exactly what good are we?”

Adrian groaned. “But it all sounds so much like work.”

“Anything that’s worth having is worth working for,” Christian said dryly. “Isn’t that what you told me about us loving Lissa and Rose? How when they do stuff that we don’t like or that hurts us, we still have to work at it because in the end, the result would be worth it?”

Two sets of eyes turned to Adrian and he glared at Christian, but there was no heat behind it. “You have a big mouth, fire ball.”

“Doesn’t make it any less true.” Christian sat gracefully onto the floor and then looked at the girls. “So, where were you in the story about what happened with Dimitri?”

Lissa let out a sound of distress, but Rose reached up and took her hand. “It’s all right. It gets easier, sometimes.”

“Our little dhampir did exactly what she promised she was going to do when she left here,” Adrian said evenly. “She tracked down Belikov and freed him.” He was careful in his wording because he didn’t know how much of her heart still belonged to the former Guardian even after what had happened and then the last few weeks since she had been home.

“You took on a Strigoi Dimitri and escaped with all of your body parts?” Christian was amazed because he knew how good Dimitri was before he’d been forcibly turned into a Strigoi. “It had to have sucked killing the man you loved.”

“Christian,” Lissa warned him, but again, Rose stopped her.

“He wasn’t Dimitri any longer,” she said softly, her head still in Lissa’s lap, but her eyes locked on Adrian’s face. “He looked like him, and maybe even moved like him, but he wasn’t _him_. The things he said… that he did to me… Dimitri would never have allowed them to happen. The Strigoi wore Dimitri’s skin, but that was all that was left of the Dimitri I’d loved.” She swallowed, her face becoming hesitant as she sat up and kept looking at Adrian. “I said goodbye to Dimitri the night of the attack and the fight, I just didn’t realize that until I was already hunting the Strigoi. I said goodbye to Dimitri that night, but on that bridge in Siberia, I set him free.” She looked down at the floor. “I set us both free.”

She was dimly aware of people shifting around her, but then Adrian was sitting next to her where Lissa had been. Lissa had moved to sit on the floor with Christian and they were having a quiet conversation.

“Did you mean what you said,” Rose asked him quietly.

“My little dhampir, I always mean what I say,” he returned. “However, I say a lot of things. Which part were you referring to?”

“About your feelings for me and how you wanted me to promise to give you a real chance when if I survived?”

“Not if,” he corrected. “When. I knew that you would survive and come back to me.”

“I didn’t know I would come back in one piece. I wasn’t sure I wanted to.”

“You didn’t come back in one piece, Rose,” he said softly, leaning close to her so that the other two Morois couldn’t hear what they were saying. “You came back in many pieces and you’re slowly getting them put back together and in their right places.”

“Thanks to you.”

“Oh?”

“I didn’t realize it before, until shortly before the end, but you gave me something to hold onto. Your visits into my dreams kept me from giving in completely to depression and the idea of you waiting here for me kept me moving. It kept me fighting.”

“I don’t want your gratitude, Rose,” Adrian warned, starting to turn away from her. However, her hand reaching up to grip his chin stopped him from doing that.

“It’s not gratitude, damn it, ok, maybe some of it is, but it’s not only gratitude, Adrian.” Rose sighed, and turned his head toward her so that she could see his eyes. “I’m grateful that you helped me and kept coming into my head to make sure that I didn’t give up and that I didn’t get lost.”

“How would you have gotten lost, Rose?”

This was the part she hadn’t wanted him to know, but if she was going to get him to believe that she did indeed have feelings for him, she had to be completely honest. She had to come clean about everything no matter how much it hurt or what she might be risking the loss of. She felt a wave of courage and love from Lissa come through their bond and it gave her the strength she needed to form the words.

“I was a blood whore, Adrian.” There, she had said it and from the grunt across the room, she knew Christian had heard her confession, too.

“What?” There was a new tone in Adrian’s voice that Rose didn’t recognize and she started to get up off of the couch. “Oh no you don’t, Rose.” Adrian’s arms went around her and pulled her back down beside him, holding her in place. “What happened?”

“The reason you couldn’t get into my head towards the end, I was with Dimitri and…” She swallowed, shaking her head. “He’d feed off of me. Sometimes it would be a lot, and sometimes it would be just enough to leave me wanting more of him. For a while, all I wanted was to feel his teeth in my body and have him feeding on me.” Shame colored her words. “When he was with me, I just didn’t give a damn about anything that was happening outside of my room… my cell, I guess. Because I was still very much a prisoner.”

“Tell him the rest, Rose,” Lissa urged, having come closer to the couch. She was on the floor at Rose’s feet and Christian was by Adrian’s. Rose was very neatly penned in by the people who loved her and whom she loved most in the world.

“I lost all sense of myself for a while there. The only thing that existed for me was Dimitri. I’m not a hundred percent sure what snapped me out of it, but I think it was Dimitri’s plans to turn me into a Strigoi and have him rule me and the Siberian Strigoi.”

“That bastard.” Christian cursed. “Turn you into a Strigoi? He had to have known you would hate that.”

“It didn’t matter,” Rose said. “He wasn’t Dimitri any longer. He didn’t care what I wanted or what would happen to me if I gave in and became Strigoi. He just wanted it because he said that I was his equal and my passion would make me a valuable asset and consort.” She sighed. “He wanted to possess me; to rule me. He wanted to make me into a monster like the one he had become.” She looked up, meeting Adrian’s eyes again. “That’s how I knew that it wasn’t right. I had these images of someone else who cared for me, but kept getting chased away each time that Dimitri fed on me and fogged my mind. I realized that I had to stop him and get back here… to the guy that did love me.”

Adrian kept his eyes on hers and she started to feel uncomfortable under his scrutiny.

“And, well, you all know the rest. The escape, the running, the fight on the bridge. How I almost froze to death … and now why it took me so long to come back home after I staked Dimitri. Oksana, the Spirit User I met, had a lot of healing work she had to do on me – including the bite scars.”

“You thought we were going to care about a few scars?”

“There were more than a few, Adrian. I looked like someone had used my neck and shoulders like a Strigoi All You Can Eat Buffet.”

“And Dimitri was the only one who did this?”

She nodded. “Dimitri was the only one. What does it matter?”

Adrian gave her a lazy grin and pulled her closer to him until he was looking down into her face.

“Because I needed to know how many Strigoi I had to go kill for trying to eat my girl.” He ran his finger over her lips. “But, good to know there was only one and you already killed him because we both know that at heart I’m a lazy bastard.”

It was a good thing that Rose couldn’t think of anything to say right away because Adrian kept her mouth occupied for enough time that she forgot that she had been talking.

This, this was real and it felt right like nothing in Siberia ever had. She didn’t know what might happen between her and Adrian in the future, but for right now, she was content to see where it might lead.


End file.
